As youth sports becomes more commercialized, parents have become more stressed. Some kids are left behind, missing out on the benefits of sports due to money or ability. Other kids are having poor experiences due to the adults (coaches, parents, league organizers), causing them to quit sports altogether. Parents are left to navigate the confusing and frustrating world of sports on their own.
Project Play is here to help. Each month, we will answer parents’ youth sports questions on this page and solicit advice from other youth sports experts. Got a question? Send it via email to jon.solomon@aspeninstitute.org, or share the question with us on Twitter at @AspenInstSports.
Asia Mape
In this month’s mailbag, the advice comes from Asia Mape, co-founder of I Love to Watch You Play – a website and newsletter for parents seeking balance and sanity in youth sports. Asia played college basketball at Coastal Carolina but became burned out from having played so much basketball growing up. She has been a producer for Fox Sports, ESPN, TNT, NFL Network and NBC Sports. She has three daughters who play some combination of club soccer, basketball, volleyball and water polo, and takes them to about eight practices a week and tournaments or games most weekends. She often questions if there’s a better way.
My son is 12 years old and has played soccer since he was 8. He is small for his age. He has delayed bone age, but he is a healthy boy. Because of his size, coaches usually don’t give opportunities to him. My son is despondent. I don’t know what to do. What can I do to help him not give up?
Kátia Vanzini
First off, he needs to understand that while he may not feel dominant and successful in some of the more traditional ways, he is developing a muscle that will far outweigh the other kids who seem to be getting all of the coaches’ attention. He is developing grit. And along with grit will come great success if he can continue to have patience and wait for his body to catch up to his spirit, heart and skill.
Unfortunately, this probably won’t happen soon enough as far as he is concerned. And because he’s nearing that 13-year-old age when so many players drop out, it’s critical that he can maintain some enjoyment and fun in the sport. I’m assuming these missed opportunities you mentioned mean playing time or a specific position he would like to play that he hasn’t been allowed to yet. Unfortunately, if he’s playing on a club team, you would find many parents with similar gripes who have kids that are developing in the normal range. Winning has taken priority over development in a lot of programs, so even though it may not be right, at the very least know that you are not alone.
Is switching teams an option or potentially playing at a recreation level if he’s playing club in order to allow him to gain some confidence and joy back? Or if he is in rec soccer, then maybe taking some time away from the sport and trying something different. In the meantime, he can still be working on his soccer skills through clinics, private training and on his own in the backyard. But most importantly, mark my words, in five years when his body has caught up, he will be better off than his peers because he has had to work harder and smarter than all those bigger kids for so many years.
My son has taken a break from basketball. He's 11 and had been in love with the game since birth. I want him to enjoy playing so I will not rush or question him about playing, but I do think playing team sports is important for all kids. Am I doing the right thing or is there anything else I should be doing?
Terence K. Branson
There is no one right answer here. Every child is different and only you know what’s best for him. That being said, I do think having some serious heart-to-hearts about why he doesn’t want to play is important. Spend some time really getting to the bottom of it. Sometimes it can be fear of failure, and they can’t even verbalize it or recognize it as such. Pressure from a parent or coach can also take the fun away, or it could be issues with teammates. If he loves the sport, there must be more to it. It’s worth getting to the bottom of it now, because it could potentially keep resurfacing in other sports down the line or his next basketball team or in other parts of his life.
How can I get my teen to stop being so mean and displaying an attitude when playing sports?
Elizabeth Malone
First off, being mean and having an attitude can be a good thing during competition if it’s not harmful to anyone else. That being said, it’s not okay if he/she is getting out of control, being disrespectful to coaches or teammates, making inappropriate remarks to the other team or harming anyone.
Teenagers are tough; they have so many hormones raging in their bodies, they are so uncomfortable in their own skin, and they often lash out at those around them. Thankfully, it’s not a permanent state. And if your teen is a boy, they are also producing more testosterone than at any other point in their lives, which can make young men more aggressive and have more “attitude.”
If he/she is having disciplinary issues and is out of control, then maybe it could be signs that it’s something bigger and deeper than just teenage angst. Do your own checklist of his/her life and your family life to see if there have been any major changes or underlying issues they might be dealing with and taking it out during sports. If you can’t come to any clear conclusions, try talking to them and checking in on life at school, friends, grades, his/her relationships. If you are still drawing a blank and if it’s creating problems in their sport and their life, you may need to take him/her to a doctor to rule out any larger health-related issues.
Hopefully it’s just typical teenager stuff. Most teens are extremely moody, and angry a lot of the time. Hang in there and this too shall pass.